When my boyfriend, Mr. P, told me a couple of days into our most recent experiment with chastity that if I didn’t do the scene soon, he’d start deliberately picking fights and creating disharmony in our usually level and very rarely rocky relationship, I took heed. Within seconds, I could feel the control being silently taken from me; the pressure of having to perform starting to bear down. If my emotions didn’t ebb and flow to the same rhythm as his need for abuse, then he was going to actively bring it out of me — even if not necessarily consciously. It was an important piece of honesty, which I praised him for, and appreciated his expressing it to me. But it didn’t lessen my predicament in any way.

See, I wasn’t ready yet. Not nearly. My head was swimming with intriguing and intense behavioural modification methodology, since part of the grand scheme is learning to transform some facets of our darker natures into that which can be better integrated into our base personalities. Namely, his, since mine can be expressed through my fiction, or even being particularly forceful in my demeanour. His, however, needs direct, merciless abuse.

Do you have any idea how difficult it is to abuse the one you love? More so, if you have been abused by people who, at points of your life, have claimed to love you?

Talk about a mindfuck. (more…)