Wow, another one already.

This one from another guy off CollarMe, asking a pretty common question: are masochistic fantasies healthy? Especially, those in which one desires to be hurt, captured, or forced to submit? It’s a very long, individualised answer — which I rather hinted at in my brief response:

‘Great question, [name given].

Submission exists in many forms — and is as individualised as we are. The key is to understand what’s triggering the ‘submissive fantasies’. It may be a negative or abusive situation from your youth; or, conversely, you may have never experienced anything like that and be secretly curious about it. Sure, you know it’s an awful thing — to be harmed, made to suffer, and experience fear. Consciously, that is. Subconscious is a whole other ball-game, and it plays by very different rules.

Not sure how much you read from my profile, but I’m a psychosexual therapist, so this sort of speculation is my stock and trade. I’m always evaluating the presence or absence of ‘healthy’ versus ‘unhealthy’ kink — namely, that which has presented itself to you based upon negative conditioning from the past through abuse, etc. (unhealthy) from the stuff we fantasise about which comes to us from a place of curiosity about and fascination with the unknown (healthy). My favourite thing to (at least attempt) to do is transform a negatively conditioned ‘unhealthy’ kink into a positive kink experience in a safe, controlled environment. Takes work, but it’s certainly worth it.

I have a number of episodes about this very topic throughout my Podcast on iTunes, ‘Diary of a Dominatrix’. Take your pick, really, or browse the various posting through my website. It’s a hot topic; so hot, actually, that the DSM-V is actually taking such things into account regarding their ‘sexual perversions’ sections. About bloody time, too.

Hope this helps; best of luck to you.

-M Roulette Chatelaine’

What are your thoughts? Experiences? Any you’d like to share?

We’re not honest enough.

A lot of it has to do with our modern society; they way we hole ourselves up or pile into shiny metal boxes, contestants in a suicidal race. (Thank you, Sting.*) We all want love, companionship, to be understood, and affiliated with something. We seek to belong — even if we can’t admit it. Sometimes, and most often, to ourselves.

I hope you’re enjoying our Podcast. I’ve noticed a theme among the episodes: the dispelling of many myths in BDSM or the alternative lifestyles in general, and we’ll continue to do that. Especially femdom. There’s a tonne of myths surrounding the practise of a female-led relationship. Female supremacy is a big one. I know it gets a lot of subby boys hard, but I can’t be down with something that’s obviously false just because it has arousing capabilities. I wouldn’t be me.

That’s actually what I’m here to share with you today. Some stuff you may not know about me. While Mister P breathes into my ear how powerful I am while my strap-on is plunged deep into him, the truth is, power is relative and circumstantial. I may carry myself with an air of self-sufficiency and the knowledge that I have just as much right to be here that anyone else does, but I worry. I get scared. I can be driven to tears — though, rarely ever in the company of someone else. I do have my pride — whatever the hell that means. There are days I want nothing more than to throw my arms around Mister P when he gets home and curl up next to him on our sofa while he surveys his stock portfolio. It can feel like one of the most peaceful places on earth to me. If I can’t get to sleep, just the steady and rhythmic beating of his heart can lull me to dreamland — arriving with warm, fuzzy thoughts. I jest that my body has come to interpret his arm across my torso as we sleep as a ‘nightmare guard’, as I’ve woken short of breath to find that he’s turned over on his side at some point during the night — which, strangely enough, doesn’t happen if I wake to find I’m still nuzzled against his forearm. I may be a dominant woman, but I’m also a human being.

I realise this isn’t something you want to hear, since it continues to shatter those myths you hold so dear. (Hey, I rhymed.)

Dommes need subs. (more…)