As the great femdom validity experiment continues, (more like meanders underneath everything else, but hey,) more still becomes apparent; in part, a byproduct of our environment. While female-led relationships aren’t quite what one would call common, they are moreso in the kinky subculture. But even still, not 24/7. That was something I specifically wanted to explore as part of the greater experiment as a whole. While it’s ongoing, I have a few findings — which likely won’t be encouraging for some.

In short, total-power-exchange relationships don’t work.

Now anyone who grew up in a female-led household (such as myself) is going to balk at that and remain sceptical. I was, too. But remember, this isn’t just about what’s possible — it’s also about what’s healthy. Regardless of sex or gender, a total power exchange relationship quickly becomes fertile ground for abuse. That understanding lies in the very foundation of what makes one mature versus immature. Most traits and behaviours can be classified according to whether they are synonymous with adult accountability or juvenile dependency. Paradoxically, the stereotypical female dominant expresses more juvenile-dependent traits and behaviours — rivalling those of most children! Self-entitlement, required assistance, no accountability, emotional manipulation to have own way, irresponsibility, recklessness, enablement, ignoring social etiquette, self-centredness, arrogance, refusal to share or compromise, use of others’ resources, and dependent upon another for most things.

It really baffled me. Conceptually, the female dominant is in charge, which allows the male submissive to be youthful, child-like and at her mercy. But in reality, practical application seems to fly in the face of theory and the abstract representation of what femdom should be. Over time, it becomes perplexing — and misleading — as to just what real femdom is — or even should be. If the male subs are the ones doing all of the work, providing a framework in which the domme can even function, then the members of that dynamic are seriously fooling themselves as to which direction the power is flowing.

To further my point, a bit of developmental psychology. And a lot of metaphor. Of course, to avoid it being too dry, there will be pirates. (You like pirates, right? Who doesn’t like pirates?) (more…)

I’ve oftentimes found myself amazed at the popularity of ’24/7′, which has only been strengthened by how many messages I receive on a weekly basis from those ‘slaves’ seeking a 24/7 relationship. Really, what these sadly uneducated (in the ways of BDSM) folks need is the knowledge they’re lacking which would allow them to make better informed decisions. Right now, they’re just blowing with the wind. So, let’s start there — most importantly, let’s start with what a slave is. And incidentally, CollarMe.com hasn’t helped lessen this confusion with their allowing a member to label themselves ‘slave’ without indicating the criteria in which one should label themselves ‘slave’.

I’ll break it down for everyone, to the best of my understanding:

A slave is one who is owned by a master or mistress. Pure and simple. The term of ‘unowned slave‘ emerged, I feel, as a result of confusion on the behalf of a submissive who isn’t quite sure what they are. There are rare instances in which one can be an ‘unowned slave’, but only when they have been disowned for whatever reason. These are then listless, aimless individuals who have been under the guidance and direction of someone for a length of time, and are suddenly cut loose — left to wander, lost, like a pet who’s found itself too far from home, and isn’t sure where they are. That is an unowned slave. Nothing else.

What isn’t a slave? The guy who has been fantasising for the last 10 years about submitting to a dominant woman, goes onto a kinky personals site and labels himself ‘slave’. In fact, he’s not even a submissive. He’s a fetishist. (more…)