Mistress Roulette and Mister P discuss the bizarre set of details that surrounded their recent marriages.

Diary of a Dominatrix #37: Twice Married, Not Shy

Mistress Roulette and Mister P try their hand at Podcasting in the afternoon. They discuss the changes in direction that their lives are taking since the wedding and the New Year. These changes include a more scheduled life for Roulette, yet a more chaotic one in terms of income in terms of Mister P. Additionally, they discuss the end of the Mistress Roulette’s first experiments into Polyamory and the fact that he other lover was, well, just plain weird.

They go on to discuss some of the eccentricity he recently exhibited including returning the book that Mister P bought him for Chistmas (which has been added to the Podcast section of our bookstore).

Diary of a Dominatrix #36

We may be kinky, but we pretty much stuck to tradition with for our family’s being present and all. It was quite a moving ceremony.

It’s been a while since Mistress Roulette has updated her blog. There are three reasons for that. The first is that nothing really seems to get her writing like emotional distress, and she hasn’t been going through much of that lately. Since her last post, she and Jack got back together. So she isn’t going through the breakup blues anymore.

The second reason that she hasn’t been updating her blog as much is that she just started a new job working at my casino and that’s taken up a lot of her free time. Lastly, and strangely connected to this new job, she and I are getting formally married. It’s a long stony, but she’s planning a wedding for the end of this month, and it’s taking up all of her free time.

I’ve been meaning to out a Podcast out, but every time I think would be a good time, suddenly wedding planning starts happening. Last night I thought for sure we’d have a couple of hours before we left for Texas for the holidays, but a new friend of Roulette’s from work (it does her good to have new female friends, BTW) came over and they were picking out rings for her.

We did record a video on Thanksgiving. It was when she was really overcome with blues about her break up with Jack. Strangely enough, she starts crying about half the way through the video. If you want to buy this video, check out “How to Break Your Man, Part 3″ over in the gallery. I made a preview video for you to watch if you’d like to see it.

Other than that, I hope everyone has a good Christmas.

So. Odd and uncomfortable as it might be, I’ve decided, (in coming to accept the end of that strange relationship) that there’s really nothing else logical to do except help to find him lots of women to date, so that I can get him swiftly into the next chapter of his life — now that I realize it doesn’t involve me.

He’s pretty clueless when it comes to the practise, (and very quirky, on top of that) so I figured he’s going to need all the help that he can get. Help, of course, with which I can provide him.

Not entirely sure how to go about this whole thing, though. In part, in my deciding that I can’t just resume some form of platonic relationship, or, as he would like, maintain everything but the sexual / romantic components, (be an ‘adopted sibling’ as it were) I’d prefer our lives diverge until such point I’m not furious with him — since I’m no longer hoping that a relationship will resume. I accept that it’s over, was probably a bad idea to begin with (even though, it did seem the smartest choice at the time — and might still be) and he hadn’t any of the tools to make it work, thereby leading to his need to ‘redefine the relationship’ (fancy term for breaking up, really) in such a way that it was no longer romantic, sexual, or D/s-oriented.

I discovered that that’s a lot more complicated than it seems. Forgive me for repeating myself here, but there’s much more involved in changing the way you relate to someone than simply breaking up. Oh, sure, if you’re no longer going to be involved, then there’s the more traditional option of foregoing contact until the dust settles. But if you were friends initially, or you work together, then you sort of have to suck it up and grin and bear it.

Easier said than done. Read the rest of this entry »

Oh, depersonalization. You tricky devil, you.

I realized this evening that the power my former — whatever, for lack of better, we’ll say dominantly-oriented dynamic relationship — had over me is now gone. Lifted. Somewhat relieving, definitely a bit sad, and more than anything — fills me with a an equally powerful, almost inexplicable rage.

That part’s not so grand. But, hey. It is what it is, and right now, I feel nothing — or just rage over the fact I no longer know how to maintain an interaction with someone I know meant a great deal to me. That, and while I used to feel this sense of … well, power over me, as if I was just awaiting the moment he’d admit that he couldn’t really deal with it, either, and in a sudden, likely fevered moment, everything would feel right again — having returned to the way it was, which had become something that felt so incredibly right to me.

Except now … it doesn’t anymore. That feeling that what was can be regained, and exists just beneath the surface has been replaced by a raging apathy, oddly enough, or is at least being sufficiently drowned out by the fury to seem as if what was is good completely. I used to long for and want it back. As if that which I was raging against was simply the loss of it, and it could reaffirm itself in a matter of seconds. Read the rest of this entry »

Passion but exists upon a spectrum of love and hate.
Forgo the one — the other, await.

Logic and reason do not present, in either case.
Alongside emotion, they do not pace.

Wild and unseemly, improper and free.
These are the things you now deny me.

How cruel.
How weak.

To forbid your own voice –
Its madness to speak.

Be along now;
Soon, all memory will be lost.
Erased.
With a quiet longing, perhaps, a hatred replaced.

For passion exists as one or the other.
You may deny me, love –
But never will you be my brother.

God. I fucking hate being emo. I typically kick the ass of anyone attempting to be emo and blast the Eagles’ ‘Get Over It’ (which is a fantastic song, all the same.)

Sigh.

Thanksgiving. Giving thanks. Being thankful. Oh, and I am — don’t get me wrong. Very much so. I just wish there wasn’t more than one side of me — a side that’s so very different from the one I know so well. The one I hadn’t even realized truly existed until one, fucking, person brought it out in me. (Sort of like the fact that — I have to confess, most submissive men — outside of my friends and clients — tend to bother the shit out of me when they’re being ‘subbie’; just makes me want to slap the shit out of them and scream, ‘My God — be a fucking MAN, for chrissake!’ Naturally, this is the very thing my fiance craves of me that I -don’t- feel the want to give or do to him — except in rarer circumstances — because I actually -like- his submissive side, and want to cuddle, nuzzle and nurture it.)

Sigh.

It’s the other side of me that’s been bothering me, since it’s had to get stuffed back into the kink closet. Y’know. The -other- side. The one I -don’t- express, and since I’m naturally dominant … well … we can all guess.

Mister P, of course, offers to explore this with me, (and back in the beginning, before he began submitting to me and it all clicked for me, I enjoyed it for its novelty — but then … it wore off) and it just … no. It’s not the same. I want -his- submission. I don’t need his dominance — or him to prove his dominance to me. Oh, it’s -there-, believe me. But he’s naturally a submissive man, and enjoys being able to express that. And, as I’ve said to some close friends (and him, too) if he were to ever suddenly decide not to submit to me anymore — it’d feel like the planet was just knocked off its axis. Not. Cool.

That leaves … the other. The hidden, unexpressed, briefly uncovered and explored side of me that now lies dormant yet again, resigned again to the latency it’s gotten to know all of my life, really, outside of those years I suffered a hell of abuse. (Rest assured — not the same.) Consensual exploration of submissive feelings — not the same as being non-consensually coerced into submissive behaviours due to cross-spectrum abuse. Just go ahead and clarify that one right now. So, off it goes, back to whence it came, relegated, yet again, to my fiction and its general fucked-up’ed-ness (of which there’s plenty).

God. I hate being fucking emo.

Unfortunately, right now, watching the roses on our coffee table surely wilt and wither, regardless of their having proper water, being appropriately trimmed, and not having suffered too much of a temperature shock — there’s no other way to be. It’s some kind of fucking natural order, I suppose. Nobody’s fault, really.

I have the one with whom I’ve chosen to spend my life. He satisfies every pragmatic and important part of me. Makes me deliriously happy on a daily basis. And, so long as I can forget the other side of me, and the way it felt with the one who’s now gone to find his own primary partner to whom he can belong and return home after slaying the day’s dragons — I’ll be completely happy. Again.

Goddamn. Why is this so bloody hard? Why does it feel, on certain days, to matter so much? It’s just a part of me — not all of me. Not even an aspect that has any use. And yet … And yet ….

God. I hate being emo.

That’s a funny word, isn’t it? Indicating possession; something owned, or over which we have great control.

Which of the following seems out of place?

That’s my computer. That’s my car. That’s my spouse. That’s my apartment. That’s my lizard. That’s my favourite corset. That’s my braided leather cane. That’s my … complicated-something-or-other-which-doesn’t-really-have-a-name-but-we-love-each-other-dearly.

… Yeah. That obvious, huh?

Not to seem jaded or even talking-out-of-turn here — because, God knows I’ve very limited personal experience in this area — but I think poly people need to stick to having relations with poly people. Vanillas, or semi-vanillas, who are otherwise exploring the lifestyle or its trappings due to a particular situation in which they find themselves, always seem to find dawn’s breaking especially blinding.

It was the nightingale, and not the lark. Believe me, love, it was the nightingale ….

-sigh- Oh, but if only it were.

Reality sets in, and the one ‘un-partnered’, as it were, seeks one to whom they can come home as well, not having to spend their nights alone while a beloved sleeps beside their beloved. That’s where it gets complicated. But, if love is truly limitless, as it’s said to be in these circles, then there should ideally be enough left over for everyone — right?

I think, pragmatically, it depends upon the nature of the love. At one point, I foolishly thought I could quantify human relationship dynamics. (I know, I know. Let’s all point and laugh right about … now.) And, to an extent, it wasn’t a -totally- brainless and mad idea; there’s -some- merit to the notion of four major domains being present in relational compatibility: emotional, intellectual, sexual, and spiritual — and three degree classifications (high, moderate, and low) — from which the various resultant combinations being what drives human relational dynamics; of course, not always together, and in those varying degrees.

For example, a friendship being: HEM, H/M-IN, LSX/NA, and, depending upon depth and overall ‘kindredness’ factor, H/M-SP. Written out in long-hand, that translates into ‘High Emotional Dynamic’ (HEM) ‘High or Moderate Intellectual Dynamic (H/M-IN), ‘Low Sexual Dynamic or ‘Not Applicable / Present’ (indicating a platonic relational style) and ‘High or Moderate Spiritual Dynamic’.

This particular friendship would be good to best — obviously, the better being High levels as opposed to Moderate. Also, because of the Low to Not-Applicable Sexual domain, it would be a platonic dynamic. Dynamics, by my understanding and experience, are simply present between people without us having to do a thing. It’s just what happens between us; what, as we’ve all experienced, ‘that person brings out in us’.

I explored the most common types for quick access: a few friendship dynamics, several romantic dynamics — ranging from marriage / committed relationship dynamics to NSA (no-strings-attached) sexual involvement. The thing I found most fascinating was, pretty obviously, the ideal sought that we all seem to refer to as ‘true love’ or ‘the one’ is where all four domains have a High quotient, resulting in balanced, strong dynamics. I also thought that it was oversimplified when I noticed that, in some cases — as many poly people I’m sure would tell me — they’ve experienced that — but with multiple people.

So, this is where you have to be extremely honest with yourself, and those with whom you are, or would like to be, involved. Is there -really- that high of a level of compatibility in -all- those areas, or just most of them? How are you measuring them? And so on.

But, in that instance when you -do- find the same dynamics present in two relationships where one is preferred over the other — you’ve got to ask: what’s going on? Why?

I haven’t been able to explore it all thoroughly yet, but I feel it definitely lies in a D/S, M/S spectrum scale. I also suspect that you’ll find that one of them is high on the Dominant Sexual dynamic (and weak on the Submissive) and vice versa. This would obviously paint a very clear portrait of one sexual dynamic being in operation and leading to the desire for fulfillment while the other remains lacking — and vice versa. Not a bad argument for poly then, considering that both spectrum needs would be met, on top of all other dynamic domains being present — and strong.

Herein lies the trouble, however. If one is married, or otherwise committed in a conventionally recognized relationship with one who satisfies one side of the spectrum (along with the full ‘true love’ dynamics) how are they supposed to find -another- who will present the same dynamics (plus intensity) but present a sexual dynamic domain strength that’s -opposite- to the first? How does that work? And … does it?

Further, what would the partner who can meet those needs also need to seek for him or herself? How likely is it that they would then find their own ‘true love’ dynamics met with, yet again, the -opposite- sexual dynamic domain from the one he or she is currently fulfilling in the first partner? It seems like a hell of a dynamic puzzle — which is, of course, true to its definition, constantly in flux and adjusting to find equilibrium.

It seems everyone would need to be fully established poly with enough experience to maintain this strange, complex dance. Anything less … leads to heartbreak. Of the ‘really, fucking bad’ kind.

-sigh- O, think’st thou we shall ever meet again?

This is something we obviously ask ourselves at various points of our lives. Namely, when shit just ain’t going so well. We bust out the dunce hat, streamers and noisemakers, and throw ourselves a pity party.

In the immortal words of Chrissie Hynde, welcome to the human race. Seems to be shit we do. And, again, in conjunction with, or immediately following other stupid shit.

How we deal with our lameness, I feel, reveals a lot about our character. If we curl up into a little ball and plop myself down in the nearest hole, I’m probably not going to get very far. If I get pissed off, track down the origin of when I started sucking so hard, it might be a bit more productive. But only a bit.

See, finding the why, I’ve learned, is valuable only insofar as tackling certain types of issues. That analysis can suck up as much time as Facebook, if you’re not careful. While it can be useful, it can equally result in being thwarted by your own stellar ability to maintain inert. Really. We human beings, as a modern society, have created whole technologies to allow us to become better equipped to be lazy. We’ve got it down to a science. Good job, guys.

And we fine little in this world as daunting as personal development. Mister P says you’re perpetually existing in one of two states — growing and evolving, or rotting and stagnating. Binary. One or the other.

While I felt I’ve made a hell of a lot of progress in my life over the last two years — 6 months, especially — it’s never enough. There’s always more that could be done. Might improve everything else if I just ….

And filling in that blank, achieving that potential goal seems a truly daunting task. I see all I’ve just harvested, and I’ve got to turn right back around and sow more? I haven’t even enjoyed the fruits of this labour — and I’ve got to make preparations already for more?

Damn. Rotting or growing. Obvious which one you don’t want to be.

It seems a lot to ask of someone, and yet, this is how he lives his life. Situation normal. I truly haven’t met another person that does. But then, few people are as effective, debt-free, well-invested, mentally sound and emotionally stable. Clearly, there’s some merit to this theory.

It’s also fucking daunting. I don’t even know where to begin.