Archive for the ‘Chastity Journal’ Category

Mister P’s Chastity Cycle Ends Tomorrow …

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He’s been very good, too. I’d like to reward him for his behaviour — but with what? Hey, maybe you’ve got some fun suggestions or exciting ideas I could incorporate into our scene …

If so, I’d love to hear ’em. And never forget, my group members — my Best Bets — always have full access to not only the chastity journal, but my little devious pontifications. In fact, they can ask me anything they want to.

Would you like to join up? It’s easy — and totally free. (And don’t worry about being approved; I’ll take care of that for you.)

I wonder what wild and crazy things we’ll cook up this time — or if we’ll just be kickin’ it old school. (I do love a good T&D scene.)

Decisions, decisions.

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A Most Intense Kind of Sex

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Like other women I’ve dated, Roulette developed an non-penetrative way to achieve orgasm from all of her years spent as an abstinent teenager. She has the ability to sit in my lap and grind her naked pussy against my cock until she achieves orgasm. It’s quite hot, actually; particularly, if it’s being coupled with a tease and denial scene, as she is often wont to do.

As I’ve written in prior posts, episodes of chastity tend to give me these overwhelming feelings of intensity. On Saturday night, I was definitely feeling it, and she had already let me know that I would NOT be coming this weekend. I felt the telltale sense of growing awe as I got home from work that night and looked upon her; the femininity of her body always seems so amazing about three days into chastity. The shape of her face, the heave of her breasts, and the feel of her ass, all seem to be entirely new; it’s as though she were the only woman in the world to me.

But with that sense of awe also comes a sense of dread, for she is going to use me for her pleasure and I am to be kept wanting. With that in mind, she took me over to the couch, sat straddle of my lap, and started kissing me. She and I really enjoy long make-out sessions, although, during these times my submissiveness really comes through. I just melt under her as she pushes my face back and runs her tongue down the length of my neck. We continue making out as she whips my longing for her into a fevered pitch and then commands me to take my pants off. I do so and sit submissively on the couch waiting for her next move.

She stands before me as I sit on the couch and look at her. Given my submissive mindset and the need to come, the power of her sexuality intimidates and scares me as she lowers her panties to her ankles. I have no idea what she’s going to do to me, but I’m already under her thumb and feel a growing sense of dread as she straddles my lap. She positions herself so that her pussy is rubbing right against my cock and begins to grind away as I’m forced to helplessly watch her get herself off. (more…)

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Starting Another Chastity Cycle

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Well I’m back in Chastity until at least Monday. It was so nice to get relief on Monday. Mistress took me with her strap-on as she allowed me to touch myself. We did not have a long and involved resolution to the period of chastity as she had expected because she just hadn’t been feeling well, but the release is always wonderful.

Unlike other female-led relationships I read about online, ours has power exchange elements that can reverse at times. That is to say, when she’s not exercising control, she allows me certain liberties in regards to “taking her.” I think it’s a fundamental right of all women to be “taken” sexually by the one they want. I think it a primal need to feel desired and wanted and validated that just can’t get expressed during periods of chastity and extreme control. So the next morning I enjoyed a more aggressive sexual experience that culminated in my using her breasts to achieve orgasm. Apparently this was the first time she had ever allowed a man to do this to her, and I was very happy to be one of her firsts.

I love the feeling of my cock sliding between her tits- knowledge that she has used to her advantage during certain teasing scenes. But that orgasm was the last one I’ve had in the last three days and we are now beginning chastity again. At this point, I feel very excited about what this period of chastity may bring me. I’m simply overcome by raw enthusiasm and the hope of new experience. I will, of course, keep everyone apprised as to my progress.

Frustration 1, Arousal 3

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Deliberate Manipulations

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When my boyfriend, Mr. P, told me a couple of days into our most recent experiment with chastity that if I didn’t do the scene soon, he’d start deliberately picking fights and creating disharmony in our usually level and very rarely rocky relationship, I took heed. Within seconds, I could feel the control being silently taken from me; the pressure of having to perform starting to bear down. If my emotions didn’t ebb and flow to the same rhythm as his need for abuse, then he was going to actively bring it out of me — even if not necessarily consciously. It was an important piece of honesty, which I praised him for, and appreciated his expressing it to me. But it didn’t lessen my predicament in any way.

See, I wasn’t ready yet. Not nearly. My head was swimming with intriguing and intense behavioural modification methodology, since part of the grand scheme is learning to transform some facets of our darker natures into that which can be better integrated into our base personalities. Namely, his, since mine can be expressed through my fiction, or even being particularly forceful in my demeanour. His, however, needs direct, merciless abuse.

Do you have any idea how difficult it is to abuse the one you love? More so, if you have been abused by people who, at points of your life, have claimed to love you?

Talk about a mindfuck. (more…)

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Intensity Delayed

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Apparently mistress took my last post to heart. She has a big heart and she cares deeply for me. I suppose that’s why we’re so happy together. I’ve been with dommes before who have the level of concern for me that she does, and I am never able to achieve the feelings of appreciation and closeness that I do with her.

At any rate, she delayed the strap-on and abuse scene she had been planning for a couple of days after reading my last post. It seemed she couldn’t bear going through with it knowing how hard it made things for me. So we had a long talk last night, mainly about her repression. She has a dark and sadistic side that is the seat of both her cruelty and her sexuality, but she, like me, keeps it hidden under a deeply rational side that feels a great deal of concern and is easily motivated towards guilt. I expressed to her a few things: (more…)

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Preparing for Intensity

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Last night was the first night of teasing in our new chastity regimen. It leads to strange sensations that remind me of unhappier times in my life. The teasing fills me with an intense but unrequited desire for release. Ordinary things about my lover seem to take on new meaning- the fall of her breasts, the shape of her hips, the line of her jaw- all seem somehow more erotic and (particularly) powerful. I often murmur to her that, “I want you.”

Last night she replied with, “I’m right here.” Which, of course, doesn’t really help me because my desire is more specific.

Really what I’m saying is that “I desire to use you to achieve a form or release that will bring us closeness and a sense of fulfillment.” And what she’s telling me, often specifically, is that she’s available to hold me, but has no desire to bring a premature end to our experiment in chastity.

It reminds me of getting my heart broken. (more…)

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Opening

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As the gentle melody of Phillip Glass rises and falls to the nondescript carpeting of our modest apartment, lapping at my ears and soothing my frayed nerves and heightened senses, he writes to me.

I’ve asked him, again, because I believe in him; I believe in this. He isn’t writing to turn me on, to make me wet, to prove to me that he can do it. He’s writing for me, because I’ve asked him, and because it’s within his nature and talents to do so. It isn’t an assignment; it’s a feeling. Not a task, but a total immersion.

Because when he writes … he steals the moment from me, and holds onto it, preciously, for safe-keeping until further notice. He has done so many times, and in each, he reminds me not only why I love him, but why I always have — even before I really knew it. As I watched him chew idly at (many) pen caps, reclining in an office chair, contemplating his next move: be it to bet, raise, or fold; invest, stop, or pull, engage or disengage from any particular event, or, always stirring in the recesses of his consciousness: where will he go from here?

Here, where we are today, is different from what I’d ever imagined, sitting mere feet from him, at my desk in his office; sharing his space, quietly wondering if he felt I was in violation, or if it was truly welcome. That poker face. I never could read him. He was too good — even for me. (And that is saying something.) I wouldn’t know … for years. I’d never even really, honestly, had a dream come true, as they say, that meant something to me. But it was worth the wait.

Even as I sat disbelieving, watching, wondering, waiting, hoping — just maybe, maybe some day, I’d have a real glimpse into his inner-workings; some sort of passage into the deep inner-sanctum. The place where he keeps his dreams, his secrets, his deepest yearnings, longings, fears, and nightmares … If I could hold that key, we would be complete. Not I, not he — but we would be complete.

I don’t ask him to write for me, but for us. It always jostles the lock, just enough, so that I can peer inside yet again. And the wonders that I behold … every time …

I ask him to write for me — not (only) because it arouses or excites me; but because it takes my breath away.

The Hunger for Abuse

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Roulette and I have discussed this, but, as my period of chastity starts to take hold, I begin to crave abuse. There seem to be two sides to my personality: the first is a rational person who is constantly trying to stay in control; the other is an emotional masochist who craves the kind of emotional abuse that prolonged chastity, tease and denial, and physical pain can bring about.

I had a bad run at poker today. Not terrible, but sometimes it gets frustrating. When I come home from that I want to put it behind me and forget. Combine that with the chastity my Mistress has placed me under and suddenly the abuse gremlin wants out. I find myself wanting to pick a fight so that I can get punished. It’s not that I find any solace in punishment, it’s just that I want an intense experience to take my mind out of where it’s currently at. Or perhaps, a catharsis.

My current frustration is a 3. My arousal is a 3.

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All Work and No Orgasms Might Make Me a Frustrated Boy

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As you can imagine, in a relationship between a professional poker player and a dominatrix who are madly in love, a lot of time will be spent with each other. Since we both have flexible jobs that don’t demand that we be anywhere at any particular time, we would often find occasions to spend lots of time together rather than each spending time pursuing our prospective professions. It is both the blessing and the curse of unstructured professions that you can do it whenever you want her, and lovers can often find occasions to do each other instead of their work.

But all that’s starting to change now. I’ve gotten a regular job… as a professional poker player. As strange as it may seem, a casino where I would frequently play has decided to employ me there to play poker and pay me $25 an hour. That would be in addition to the money I win, which makes it closer to $40 an hour or so. The money was too good for me to pass up, so it’s off to work I go. If you can call it that.

male chastity cover

But the prospect of spending far more time apart from each other every week was going to present a challenge to the two of us who had grown so used to spending so much time together. So my mistress decided that we would use chastity play to help increase the intensity of the time we did spend together. Of course, the fact that she just finished a book on male chastity might have had something to do with influencing her decision. No matter, she is correct. Chastity play will help to focus a real intensity in the time we spend together.

As part of the exercises of the book, she wanted me to keep a journal here of my feelings. According to the book, it will help her know how I am moving through the eroticism, past the frustration, and into developing an even closer bond as I learn to focus my energy. I have no idea if she is right, but I am hopeful. Currently, on a scale of 1 to 5, I would have to rate my arousal at a 3 and my frustration at a 2. I feel good and am looking forward to going to “work” and taking people’s money.

I’ll keep everyone posted as my state progresses.

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