Well, this month has certainly proved an interesting one. I was sifting through some old articles and things on my G-Docs and came across something of which I was particularly proud. I had something of an activist streak throughout my years on this blue ball — waxing, and waning. It’s not gone completely, but when nothing ever really comes of the work … well, y’know. You lose heart.

I wish I could say something came of this, but, naturally, it didn’t. I was tempted to send it to the Stern show — from where I originally heard the adverts — but it seemed also a needless sort of venture. So, here it remains in my keep; and now, for your eyes, too. Written about two years past, with a lot of fire and hope that it might do something. (For those unaware, Ashley Madison is a service that is deliberately designated to find unhappy spouses extra-marital partners. You can hazard to guess that went over so well with me …  .)

Without further ado …

–

‘An Open Letter To Ashley Madison’,

To Whom It May Concern,

I had to say something. I wasn’t sure in which subject it would best be categorised, if any at all.

Your site enrages me. Enrages. Not because of who you are, or what you’re doing, but because it is the most honest representation of the state of world and human relationships today.

As a non-practising psychologist, I find this both appalling and fascinating. Those dear to me have suffered loveless unions; I myself was once so trapped. I believe your agency takes the same stance that the Netherlands have done regarding their citizens’ use of illicit drugs and propositioned sexplay. They don’t deny the problem; instead, they provide for them, providing safeguards and taking precautionary measures. It is therefore true that there are far less deaths from drug-overdose, as well as sexual assaults, there than in the US.

Radical — of course, your site is radical. Radical is not necessarily good, nor damaging. And, yes, those who wish to stray will do so regardless of who is lending them a hand and providing ease of access — which, you clearly do. The death of decision-making does lie in a settled point-of-view. I agree. And the fact that such a business, profiting off of, dare we say, ‘home-wrecking’ exists — and thrives — just seems to further my mystified stance on the theory of personal happiness today.

Should one suffer in a loveless, sexless marriage? No. No one should suffer, and no certificate, nor a band of gold should sanction that. Women are raped more times than we can blink within a thirty second period around the globe, a staggering number of those being wives. Is then, your service a type of shelter from the storm? They have long-since given up the belief they could ever leave their controlling husband — is this their saving grace? The possibility that love may still exist at the end of the tunnel? Their reward for enduring so much pain for so long? One is left wondering.

But what of the clueless, stunned, and bewildred spouses, learning one day that their supposed beloved, their life-mate, has years-long been loving another? They, and their soon-jaded, adult-dysfunctional children, should there, all-forbid be any, could, sadly, be thought the lucky ones. How many live in a state of insidiously blissful ignorance? Believing, each morning that the one to whom they gave their heart, holds theirs still, the reality being that they have since been replaced in their beloved’s affections, and perhaps, only they are unaware?

I explored the concept of open-marriage to potentially settle this ostensibly endless debate. Just maybe, if all were made aware, there would be less pain, less suffering, seeing that the deception component has been removed. My own research, and that of many others conducted over years, indicates that there’s absolutely no difference at all. The depression is as great, the agony as profound.

Where, then, does a service such as yours really come into play? You claim not to encourage infidelity, and furthermore, facilitate it. These are disclaiming words, only in the realm of your legal department. Things that must be said to ensure blamelessness and liability solely on behalf of the poor individual seeking such services to begin with. How, at such an impasse, then, could one ever hope to maintain or achieve a balance?

I have an idea.

Your base of operations is in Canada, though you offer your services to the US as well. You are doing well; you have a strong membership, and seem to be withstanding some of the first disastrous swings in the economic downturn. So, let’s return to the other-side of the coin for a moment.

There are scores more couples; brides that once graced aisles in visions of satin and lace, roses perfuming the air, believing this day to be the beginning of their own private faerie-tale; grooms that sought the companionship of a woman he longed to make his wife, to share his burdens and celebrate his victories. Two people that joined forces to tackle the world at large as a unit rather than separate parts. Two people that still believed in whatever form of ‘love’ that may or may not truly exist, marketing ploys and bed-time stories notwithstanding.

You know, just as I do, that there are countless numbers of them who cannot afford counseling, more or less your services. You may or may not know, however, that there are struggling, but surviving, organisations dedicated to providing them with the counseling they need to maintain their family unit, rekindle the flame, and recapture the magic they once saw spark in each other’s eyes, the future they once cherished with boundless hope.

These organisations are not as financially strong as your own, but they are doing these people a tremendous service you are not: helping them put in that last, necessary final fight. If they then decide to part regardless, one can only hope, amicably, they will always know they gave it their last shot. Then, your service, and its safeguards, might allow them a means of searching once more for whom they may still hope is indeed their ‘soul mate’, whatever they fashion him or her to be.

Why not support these charitable organisations? Offering to them what they do not have? Assisting them in the fight to keep love alive rather than accept its defeat, and further cloud the issue with deception and imminent misery?

Someone always suffers, even if it isn’t your membership base. Do think of them, too.

You mean well. It’s difficult in a world such as this, full of its paradoxes and misgivings, not to accidentally pave that hellish road with the best of intentions. But please, understand, without truly helping your would-be members fight the last of the good fight, all you really are offering them is not the promise of a new beginning, but a prayer for the dying.

Thank you for your consideration and time. Despite your views and mine, I wish you well.

[name removed],
Author; B.A., Psy

This one from another guy off CollarMe, asking a pretty common question: are masochistic fantasies healthy? Especially, those in which one desires to be hurt, captured, or forced to submit? It’s a very long, individualised answer — which I rather hinted at in my brief response:

‘Great question, [name given].

Submission exists in many forms — and is as individualised as we are. The key is to understand what’s triggering the ‘submissive fantasies’. It may be a negative or abusive situation from your youth; or, conversely, you may have never experienced anything like that and be secretly curious about it. Sure, you know it’s an awful thing — to be harmed, made to suffer, and experience fear. Consciously, that is. Subconscious is a whole other ball-game, and it plays by very different rules.

Not sure how much you read from my profile, but I’m a psychosexual therapist, so this sort of speculation is my stock and trade. I’m always evaluating the presence or absence of ‘healthy’ versus ‘unhealthy’ kink — namely, that which has presented itself to you based upon negative conditioning from the past through abuse, etc. (unhealthy) from the stuff we fantasise about which comes to us from a place of curiosity about and fascination with the unknown (healthy). My favourite thing to (at least attempt) to do is transform a negatively conditioned ‘unhealthy’ kink into a positive kink experience in a safe, controlled environment. Takes work, but it’s certainly worth it.

I have a number of episodes about this very topic throughout my Podcast on iTunes, ‘Diary of a Dominatrix’. Take your pick, really, or browse the various posting through my website. It’s a hot topic; so hot, actually, that the DSM-V is actually taking such things into account regarding their ‘sexual perversions’ sections. About bloody time, too.

Hope this helps; best of luck to you.

-M Roulette Chatelaine’

What are your thoughts? Experiences? Any you’d like to share?