Archive for the ‘BDSM Bullshit Myths’ Category

BDS&M Episode #6: Disregarding Cybele

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Auby and Preston now face the wrath of the Cybelians! Fetlife user Cybele_ has now presented a list of demands less she unleash her barbarian horde of male human toilets to do untold damage and destruction. Will our intrepid heroes escape this fate? Will they cave to Cybele’s demands? It’s hostage negotiation time with the woman who loves people to eat her poop.

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BDS&Marriage Episode #3: SSC v Mutual Benefit v “Real Femdom”

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Auby, Preston, and Allen get together to discuss the rumblings on Fetlife. Specifically, the strange way in which the kinky community carries itself, the bizarre attitudes people seem to pass off as common place, and how incensed they become when challenged. Preston introduces Jigoro Kano’s philosophy of “mututal welfare and benefit” and applies it to kink. The three then compare this philosophy to Fetlife user Cybele_, a proponent of “real femdom.”

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Beyond Safe, Sane and Consensual

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Ethics can be a sticky business. You have to come up with a code by which people can make decisions that will provide some benefit to someone. Ask a panel of ethicists whether I should engage in random acts of wholesale slaughter against innocents, and you will (hopefully) get a chorus of resounding “Nos!” In the field of ethics, taking actions to harm others is typically frowned upon.

Things start to get sticky, though, if you’ve made prior arrangements by which you inflict harm on someone else who has agreed to be hurt. You start to enter the realm of, “Well, whatever makes you happy.” But even that runs into problems. If someone consents to have you kill them because they know how much you love killing people, is it ethical to go ahead and kill them?

I think not. The BDSM community came up with certain guidelines regarding what kind of play was good to engage in, and they seem to have settled on “safe, sane and consentual.” Engaging in murder against a consenting adult is not safe by definitions once they end up dead. Also, the adult who consented probably wasn’t sane to begin with.

It’s a decent guideline, but I don’t think it goes far enough. Sure, murder isn’t safe, but what about cutting off random body parts? A more common example, unfortunately, would be the whole total power exchange thing. If I have total power of you, and I decide that you should systematically lose all contact with the outside world, all friends and loved ones, and become so immersed into our little BDSM world that you simply can’t function in society any more, is that ethical? The answer is fairly obvious, “Hell no!”

Whether this kind of consentual abuse passes the muster of safe, sane and consentual is really sticky though. How can the average fat, white trash couple in Boise, Idaho develop a good handle on what is sane to begin with? It’s just too ill defined a definition to be particularly useful.

Of course, the white trash couple is Boise is going to engage in whatever kinds of crazy shit they want to regardless of what I think about it. So it’s not like a more rigorous ethical definition really serves much purpose here, but what about whe they go on the pages of Fetlife and hold their obviously abusive relationship as a model for others to follow? Now the rest of the yokels are presented

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Some Honesty

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We’re not honest enough.

A lot of it has to do with our modern society; they way we hole ourselves up or pile into shiny metal boxes, contestants in a suicidal race. (Thank you, Sting.*) We all want love, companionship, to be understood, and affiliated with something. We seek to belong — even if we can’t admit it. Sometimes, and most often, to ourselves.

I hope you’re enjoying our Podcast. I’ve noticed a theme among the episodes: the dispelling of many myths in BDSM or the alternative lifestyles in general, and we’ll continue to do that. Especially femdom. There’s a tonne of myths surrounding the practise of a female-led relationship. Female supremacy is a big one. I know it gets a lot of subby boys hard, but I can’t be down with something that’s obviously false just because it has arousing capabilities. I wouldn’t be me.

That’s actually what I’m here to share with you today. Some stuff you may not know about me. While Mister P breathes into my ear how powerful I am while my strap-on is plunged deep into him, the truth is, power is relative and circumstantial. I may carry myself with an air of self-sufficiency and the knowledge that I have just as much right to be here that anyone else does, but I worry. I get scared. I can be driven to tears — though, rarely ever in the company of someone else. I do have my pride — whatever the hell that means. There are days I want nothing more than to throw my arms around Mister P when he gets home and curl up next to him on our sofa while he surveys his stock portfolio. It can feel like one of the most peaceful places on earth to me. If I can’t get to sleep, just the steady and rhythmic beating of his heart can lull me to dreamland — arriving with warm, fuzzy thoughts. I jest that my body has come to interpret his arm across my torso as we sleep as a ‘nightmare guard’, as I’ve woken short of breath to find that he’s turned over on his side at some point during the night — which, strangely enough, doesn’t happen if I wake to find I’m still nuzzled against his forearm. I may be a dominant woman, but I’m also a human being.

I realise this isn’t something you want to hear, since it continues to shatter those myths you hold so dear. (Hey, I rhymed.)

Dommes need subs. (more…)

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Defining ‘Domme’

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Like anything, BDSM has its own terminology, and as such, there are many terms for what it is I am: female dominant, domme, and domina seem to top the list. And, while we aren’t the majority, I have met some wonderful fellow dommes, dominas, and fem-dommes. I’ve also seen plenty similarly identifying for which I find the moniker indeed questionable. So, in a concise manner, I’m going to share my thoughts on this marketing phenomenon; perhaps, even concluding with my assumptions for it being the way it is.

While phone sex lines are perennial, phone domination, or ‘phone dommes’ are very much en vogue at current. Does this mean that there’s increased ease of finding a genuine female dominant or professional dominatrix at the end of the line? I remain sceptical. While there’s a good number of us pro-dommes hanging out on such third party services in our off-hours, (I have an account with NiteFlirt), the bulk of the listings are barely legal bottle-blonde with IQs to match their body weight. Hordes of ‘bratty princesses’ with stereotypical head cheerleader dispositions wear slutty clothes in demeaning poses, with market-ready femdom phrases, but deplorable grammar and not a spell-checker in sight. (It’s ‘dominant’, honey, not ‘dominate’. But don’t worry — you aren’t.) It almost seems a joke with how much these photographs have nothing to do with the femdom-centric phrasing.

And a word on age. I’m a young domme, and I’ve got a decade on these girls. (more…)

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Really? I mean … Really?

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Sometimes, I seriously wonder about people. What they’re honestly thinking. I mean, I was born in the morning, but it wasn’t this one. Although, I don’t really find this applicable in my everyday existence, what’s kept me from being a card-carrying member of MENSA is the fact that I couldn’t reconcile forking over the dough. In other words, I’m a genius. Changes nothing, and really more a bit of trivia than anything. Still, the length to which people go to try and fool me, or believe that they have, never fails to amaze me.

Case in point: the email I receive. Some of it has a distinct trend; if it’s not from a BMF, or likely to result in a satisfying new professional relationship, I immediately begin to detect the foul stench of bullshit — the worst kind, too; that which has been perfumed and disguised as as to appear like anything but the steaming pile of crap it is.

Most of the time, it’s harmless. Lonely men incapable of drawing the line between reality and fantasy, or all out preferring that it remain blurred at best. No matter how truly fantastic the claims may be. This is why I suspect they’ve come to me already in-role, presenting fantasy as if it were reality. It’s a delicate dance, though. Should they not be nursing some latent psychosis, they always know on some level that I can’t possibly be buying this. You’ve all seen it before, too: 24/7 relationships. Victims of blackmail. His wife, instead of being traumatised by finding her husband with another woman, joining forces with the offending party to punish said philandering husband for the rest of his days, engaging in subbie-hubbie wetdream fantasyland. (more…)

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Mystressworld is Revealed as a Scam

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Mistress Roulette and I knew this was a scam from the get-go, but here’s a post from a Mystressworld insider revealing that the website had no intention of ever matching submissive men to dominant women. Instead, it was just looking to cash in on the fantasy. I’ve very proud of the controversial stance that Mistress Roulette took. It always feels good to be vindicated.

What follows is the entire text of what this Mistress wrote for those who want to read it. (more…)

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Why ‘Total Power Exchange’ is Total Bullshit — and Other Myths of BDSM

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I’ve oftentimes found myself amazed at the popularity of ’24/7′, which has only been strengthened by how many messages I receive on a weekly basis from those ‘slaves’ seeking a 24/7 relationship. Really, what these sadly uneducated (in the ways of BDSM) folks need is the knowledge they’re lacking which would allow them to make better informed decisions. Right now, they’re just blowing with the wind. So, let’s start there — most importantly, let’s start with what a slave is. And incidentally, CollarMe.com hasn’t helped lessen this confusion with their allowing a member to label themselves ‘slave’ without indicating the criteria in which one should label themselves ‘slave’.

I’ll break it down for everyone, to the best of my understanding:

A slave is one who is owned by a master or mistress. Pure and simple. The term of ‘unowned slave‘ emerged, I feel, as a result of confusion on the behalf of a submissive who isn’t quite sure what they are. There are rare instances in which one can be an ‘unowned slave’, but only when they have been disowned for whatever reason. These are then listless, aimless individuals who have been under the guidance and direction of someone for a length of time, and are suddenly cut loose — left to wander, lost, like a pet who’s found itself too far from home, and isn’t sure where they are. That is an unowned slave. Nothing else.

What isn’t a slave? The guy who has been fantasising for the last 10 years about submitting to a dominant woman, goes onto a kinky personals site and labels himself ‘slave’. In fact, he’s not even a submissive. He’s a fetishist. (more…)

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