A trick, indeed.

So, we’ve all been in that particular spot. Someone we know, someone we care about — someone with whom we’re good friends — suddenly gets re-categorised into the ‘why am I blushing? Why is my heart beating this quickly? Why am I Goddamned fucking melting?’ folder.

I remember when it happened with my fiancé, Mr P.

Ahhhhh.

He was with his crazy girlfriend at the time, but it brought out that softer, romantic, definitely submissive side of him that, being his co-worker sharing his office, I’d never seen. As a result, I (somewhat legendarily now) poured myself an extra cup of coffee … having completely forgotten that I’d just done so.

Yeah.

Because my head was so caught up elsewhere. No one had ever affected me like that before — to the point where I still couldn’t forget about them years later. He just got to me. I don’t believe anyone will ever affect me the way that Mr P does — but that doesn’t mean every now and again someone can’t come somewhat close ….

Enter my co-star. Oh, bloody hell. Rational thought just … takes a little holiday some of the time. We writers are all more than just a little cracked anyway, so to find a fellow lunatic is always a bit kismet. That being said, it got me to thinking about this whole Roulette mumbo-jumbo, just what it is, what it was supposed to mean, and what I’ve really been doing with it.

Not much, is the short answer. Question is — why? When deciding to become a domme, and creating my (what is it, third?) alias, I did not do so lightly. Oh, of course, I went through all the classic configurations, finally deciding to stick a bit closer to home and go with something at least French. And, being with a professional poker player, (though, anything even moderately themed sounded retarded) I ventured to explore all gambling possibilities. What’s French and a game of chance? (Well, unless you count the ridiculous house edge, but that’s neither here nor there.) Yep! Roulette.

Ah, but a name has to mean something. It has to be a part of you, or allow you to express that which you’re having trouble doing as yourself, using the name you were given, saddled with your past, and all it entails. Roulette … I mused. What could I do with Roulette?

The answer did not evade me for long … .

What couldn’t I do with Roulette? Nothing.

First, it’s about choosing what sort of domme you wish to be. What the overall theme will be of your play; the sort of service you’ll offer. The kink you prefer. That was where I had the most trouble. I couldn’t begin to choose. I couldn’t be … locked into any sort of persona. I wanted to be dark and light. Cuddly and austere. Sadistic and sweet. And outside of being ‘Mistress Schizo’, I couldn’t figure what the hell would give me that kind of freedom. What would possibly allow me to be the psycho and the psychotherapist? … A spin of the wheel.

Its absolute earliest origins are in my first round of NiteFlirt calls. I realised how liberating it would be to create an identity where I could embody any persona that someone brought out of me. Of course, the reality is always a bit different from the theory. Predominantly, when you’re pretty much a square as far as ‘the scene’ is concerned. More traditional than most of your friends and contemporaries — even if you’ve the capacity for doing otherwise.

Well, welcome to otherwise.

I didn’t arrive at this juncture easily; really, it’s taken a lot of finding myself still awake at sunrise, full of thoughts I can’t begin to decipher. Some past experience — in wondering what to do, and especially, what not to do. A bit of history — hell, even some genetics. Alas, I came to realise that what was missing in my life was, well, me.

Okay, okay, okay. Less cryptically, I discovered that I’d created Roulette only to do virtually nothing with it. At every opportunity I was given, I shied from playing with others, berated plenty for sticking their necks out and hardcore flirting with me, (or, rather, attempting to) and, just in general, never really branched out to where I could truly explore what Roulette really meant to me: the ability to be whomever I wished to, essentially, with whom anyone I wished. Of course, where’s the urgency if it all remains a compelling hypothesis? If there isn’t really anyone to take it from the drawing board to the playing field — what’s even the point?

Well, erm … yeah. You might say several events took place in the right sort of sequence to get my brain whirring with the possibilities. First, I collaborated with some fantastic folks — Alice and Chainmaille Mike of ‘Alice in Bondageland’ ( … it’s like Wonderland, but with kinky bondage) — on a very memorable shoot last month, and I’m very pleased to now count them among my good friends. (Naturally, once you’ve felt a dude’s saline-inflated balls, it’s hard not to be pretty comfortable and relaxed with each other. Ditto for changing into various domme gear and then going at both of your respective submissives / significant others — on two separate occasions; first Mike, then Mr P. After a certain point, you’re all just pretty chill about everything.)

The whole thing felt really … nice, though. Due to the fact we were all shooting porn together, there was this decidedly affectionate openness; we’d stay up wa-a-ay past what should’ve been our normal bedtimes chatting up a storm about various topics, sharing secrets, and confiding in each other. Strangely enough, it was actually Mike with whom I first came clean about the conflicting emotions I was feeling in the platonic, though very close, relationship I have with my co-star / collaborator. Since Alice and Mike stayed with Mr P and myself while they attended DomCon-LA this year, we all had the opportunity to hang out a few times.

I’ll never forget the first time, though. Mr P was already at work, so the three of us were doing various things. At one point, my co-star left the apartment to retrieve something from his car, and Mike, having already heard the beginnings of my bemoaning then earlier that day, turned to me and said, ‘Is that the … ?’ But he didn’t need to finish his sentence, as I was already wincing and rapidly bobbing my head in an almost too dramatic nod. (Insert heavy, melodramatic sigh here.) Mike’s expression was classic: understanding, sympathetic, and really just what I needed at that moment. He came over and put his arms around my shoulders, and rested his chin on my head. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d had such a distinctively affectionate guy-pal hug. Hell — I hadn’t even realised until then that I missed them so much.

By the time my co-star got back, there was a slight change in the air. A new confederacy that had formed — harmless, but meaningful. I felt less … alone in all the chaos that was raging through my head. I could silently slap my forehead, or make to silently scream (when he wasn’t looking) and Mike would pat me on the shoulder, and offer a listening ear when I no doubt needed to vent — a lot — by the end of the evening.

There’s this hidden confusion in opposite sex friendships — no matter how you slice it. If you happen to heap attraction on top of it — good luck. It can grow nightmarish fast. Now, I’m hardly saying that it isn’t possible. I have tonnes of wonderful guy friends for whom there’ve never been romantic feelings on either side, even if there is a definite affectionate undertone borne of familiarity of years. But without that sort of understanding, there tends to be a question of boundaries. Acceptability. Propriety. What’s crossing a line, and what’s not. (Again, I’m reminded of saline balls.) Because of the circumstances into which Mike and I were placed, a fast friendship with a relaxed feel developed quickly and naturally. But most of us in the vanilla world don’t get to enjoy this speedy determination of boundaries, lines, and dynamics. It takes a lot longer, and can be ultimately more complex — and confusing. (Which is why my co-star and I’ve been saddled with unraveling quite a mess of things present in our own dynamic.)

You may remember a post I made a few entries back — about that which comes out in a scene which was unexpected? Or, specifically, we said something we later somewhat regretted? You guessed it. Mr P had made a sort of revelation which led me to confiding my own, and it took a few conversations to really understand where the hell any of it was going.

What it’s left me with is this:

The ultimate compromise between the need for expressing all aspects of yourself while still maintaining the strength of commitment and intimacy in that chosen relationship with the love of your life. (Sounds pretty tricky, doesn’t it?) It probably is, and will be, but we’ll see how it goes. While there may periodically be throughout our relationship (and eventual marriage) others that bring out rare or oft-hidden facets of myself, it’s me and Mr P for the long haul — and everything in between.

I’m not even sure if this has definition or defies it. I’ve recently heard of a local young woman who’s also a domme and engaged, and fully poly-something. (I wonder how that works out. I also don’t want to mislabel her, being there are so many different variations of poly-dynamics and relationships. I had no idea.)

So … I’m learning. Should definitely be interesting. Especially the next event I’m able to attend. For the first time — as Roulette.

I’ll keep you posted.

Oh, and as for the rest …

Eh, what can I say? I’m a chicken-shit. Been a very long time since I’ve explored any of these interpersonal dynamics which are clearly categorised under the ‘fringe’ side of things. I’m not really sure how to present it to other people. More than anything, one with whom I would have such a relationship. (With its own unique boundaries and definitions and the like.) Those who are actively poly and have been for quite some time laugh at my inability to do so. Ah, well. I yam what I yam — and up until recently — I was pretty staid.

The new-found adventurousness has definitely injected a nice dose of super-hot kinky sexiness into my relationship with Mr P, though. A decidedly nice side benefit or byproduct, heh.

More on that to follow soon, I’m sure.

Tags: Alice in Bondageland, alternative interpersonal dynamics, chainmaille mike, monogamy versus polyamoury, various kinky relationship lifestyles