You all know the scene. (Literally.)

You and your significant other have just finished off a particularly heavy round for whatever it is in your chosen lifestyle, you’re both enjoying a bit of the usual aftercare afterglow, transitioning out of your respective head-spaces …

… and silently thinking: ‘Oh, fuck.’

Ah, now you get me. At first, you’re reflecting, ‘That’s a pretty typical scene, yeah,’ until it hits you. Oh. We’re talking about that kind of scene. The one where it got a little too intense, and you stumbled upon a little much truth, and now you’re quietly hoping your partner’s forgotten all about it — even though you haven’t.

Maybe, you said something that wasn’t true, and you’re regretting it. Or, perhaps, you said something that was true, and you really wish you hadn’t. Either way, the bag is definitely void of cats, and you’re driving yourself mad over whether or not you’re the only one aware of this fact.

First of all — relax. We’ve all reached a particular point, or been provoked to a certain level, where we went for defensive shock value, or, perhaps a bit worse, the equally unnerving truth. Since D/s is all about pushing envelopes, some are bound to be shoved around sometime. (Otherwise, you may not be doing it right.) Just be mindful that you and your lover are both in an extremely vulnerable spot during a particularly heavy scene — regardless of who’s topping and who’s bottoming. Some subs can be surprisingly provocative, leading their dom/me to play the truth game a little too seriously. In short, when — and if — the inevitable something slips, there’s a plan of action that should be undertaken to ensure that things don’t turn messy quickly.

1) Keep Lines of Communication WIDE Open.

This one should be obvious, given BDSM can be dicey by nature. If you — or your partner — reveal something especially disconcerting, identify exactly what was unsettling about it, probe your partner, or introspect yourself (namely, if you were the one dropping any bombs) to better understand why it was said, and what it means to you both.

2) Identify –Then Clarify.

Just what is the nature of this bomb, and why was it dropped? Sometimes, provocation can push people to a limit where they grasp for straws in defence. But, occasionally, they don’t need to, because something’s already burning their brain. Those slips of the tongue need to be paid the most careful attention, since they’re moments of truth under duress. (The most honest, but easily regrettable kind).

So, naturally, it’s important to be gentle with your partner (and yourself!) if this is the nature of the big reveal. Quite a bit of embarrassment, and a touch of denial is likely to follow. Take care to not let them — or yourself — retreat into a protective shell, for fear of upsetting the apple cart. There’s a reason these things pop up, and it’s best to deal with them calmly and rationally outside of and after the scene is concluded.

For example: BDSM and fetish is known for its employment of various scare tactics in conjunction with arousal. Sometimes, it’s sexy, and the confiding of such fantasies can bring a couple greater intimacy. But beware that once the arousal’s over, that the fantasy doesn’t get misconstrued as a reality.

Obvious example: castration. Some dudes really dig the whole ‘getting their nuts chopped off’ thing when they’re jacking off. But once they’re finished, so is the fantasy. Bad idea? Waking your lover with nothing but a smile — and a machete. Just because he confessed his deeply-withheld castration fantasy, doesn’t mean that striking up this visualisation is your new toy — outside of the bedroom. Good idea? Keep fantasies where they belong — and know the difference. Outside of just flat being annoying, some fantasies have the potential to cause serious harm to the stability of the relationship — especially if they happen to involve other people. Just because he let it slip that he sometimes fantasizes about sucking cock doesn’t mean it’s time to shove him in front of a glory-hole. Same goes for if she’s admitted that having a threesome might be fun sometime, and visions of double-timing on your cock starts dancing through your head. Before you hit Craigslist, get clarification. One wrong move, and the fun’s over for everyone.

Assuming that everyone’s being truthful, there are two most likely outcomes here; the first being that you liked your partner’s unintended surprise fantasy, the second being you didn’t. Paradoxically, both are equally problematic, since a particularly provocative revelation is likely to result in the one responsible for revealing it to clam up faster than you can say, ‘red’. Why? Such is the nature of human beings. Providing this is a relationship with a loved one of which we’re speaking here, to admit to fantasies that are in some way painful for, abusive to, or in some way threatening the relationship is tough. Sometimes, it’s equally difficult for people to admit to desires of a masochistic nature — especially if they’re typically not. Anything that disrupts the status quo, or might cause us to be viewed in a different light is suspect, and we’d just rather not, thank you very much.

And so, we begin the beguine — more specifically the little bits of self-hatred, the slapping our foreheads and inwardly shouting: ‘Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!’ and all manner of beating ourselves up. But before we get this pity party started, let’s check in with our partner, shall we? How is he or she taking the news? Did it even register? For a lot of experienced kinksters, it’s a lot like a trip to Vegas: what happens in the scene, stays in the scene.

That’s why some of us react recklessly to the perceived lack of response, or positive reception of something especially tricky or novel. If we’re feeling guilty, well, we’re obviously wishing the whole thing never happened. But … if we’re secretly fishing for approval, then this may be the smidgen of acknowledgment or understanding we’ve been craving! Eureka!

That brings us to 3, which may even be the most important of all.

3) Reality Check!

Yup. Hate to be the bearer of bad news here, but how many of you have blinked at the number of insane things going through your head when you’re deep in your respective head-space? I know I have, and so has Mister P. (He’s rather famous for his noticeable expression when he’s ‘back to reality’). I think we’ve all wondered just how much we can trust that crazy voice in our heads during that time — how honest it truly is, and how much of it’s just hormonal noise. Since it sucks us into all sorts of bizarre behaviours, we can all vouch it has a considerable amount of power, and can prove to be rather formidable. Likewise, the stuff is concocts should always be taken with a grain of salt. (Or a whole ocean, depending.)

That’s why 3) is the most necessary, and the hardest. Once you’ve checked in with yourself, now it’s time to check in with your partner. Ohh, shit. Yep. This is where you’ve got to come clean about the nonsense you were both spouting, to specify and clarify whether or not there was actual truth to it. Then, if it should lead you down some rather interesting avenues, you’re doing so in a fully informed, non-sex-hazy, relatively hormonal free manner. The fantasies that stick with you during the day-to-day reality are the ones you can consider exploring. To know the difference is what will make you — or break you.

So, don’t fuck that up.

Sharing fantasies — even the more controversial ones — can create a wonderfully intense level of intimacy for a couple. To love each other warts, perceived villainy and all. Just remember to keep it real — since that is the stuff that happens between scenes, and the bulk of everything you experience with your partner in your relationship. The trick is the make the fantasy enhance the reality, building the sort of relationship which others envy. It’s far from easy — but when you actually manage to do it right, absolutely worth any of the hell endured along the way.

Good luck.