Ahhhh …

I love my pre-matrimonial bling; almost as much as I do my fiance. (Okay, so not really, but they do both make me smile ridiculously when I look upon them.) See, it’s hardly a secret that we womenfolk love all manner of sparkly rocks — whether they’re on the side of the road, in a rare exhibition, or on our own fingers. And it’s part of the human condition to like things that shine. We’re just naturally attracted to them. (Yes, there is some scientific basis to: ‘ooh, shiny.’)

The best part of my temporary engagement ring? Oddly enough, it’s not the way it says, ‘he-llo’ from a distance as it catches and perfectly reflects the ambient light, sending back a veritable cavalcade of colour and vibrance to the viewer. Or how many people tell me they ‘love my bling’, ask me where I got it, marvel at the design, and seem almost envious. (Though, that is fun. C’mon … ) Nope, it’s when I get to dash their hopes and dreams, allowing them to feel rather silly when I explain that my perfectly marquis-cut, totally clear 1.5-ish carat-weight of  rock over which they’re drooling cost me (well, my fiance — I did insist he pay for my temporary engagement ring, of course) $15.

Wait. A diamond that costs fifteen bucks?

Okay, okay, okay. $17. Because of tax.

Now, take a second and really think about what you’ve just thought — assumed, really. What diamond would cost $15? The answer is no diamond. ‘Oh!’ You’re thinking now, probably somewhat surprised. A cubic zirconia. Nahh. I like my shit real — or close to real. It has to have at least a realistic origin. While CZ’s do fit the bill for sparkly, they don’t have the staying power that a traditionally from-the-earth stone would, unless its hardness is rated close to a diamond. Something a CZ does not share with its mined mimic.

So, what the fuck is it that’s got people ogling before they realise what it really is? Dudes, if you’re paying attention, close the window where you’re watching porn, drop your dick, and read this. (Trust me. When birthdays, Christmas, and Valentine’s comes around, you’ll thank me.)

She, like most brainwashed women (sorry, ladies — but you know it’s true) have been fed the lie that diamonds are all that and a bag of chips. (Yes, even after watching Blood Diamond a bajillion times. Old habits die very hard; especially when we’ve been given them along with our bedtime stories since we were kiddos. Knight in shining armour, white horse, big rock.) This is not only wrong, and unfortunate, but detrimental to your financial security, as I’m sure you know. Why would anyone in their right mind spend as much on a piece of jewellery as they would something with four wheels that goes very fast and is far more practical? Marketing, honestly. Satan-spawn like DeBeers latched onto talented ad execs and excreted such palatable bullshit as ‘a diamond is forever.’

(Incidentally, if you really want something to represent a forever love, go tungsten carbide. And, if you must have sparkly, go with a piece of what I’m about to reveal to you set nicely within it.)

So.

What will make her girlfriends think you’re the bomb and put her in the mood without breaking the bank? (Because, remember — we like sparkly. You + generosity + sparkly = getting laid. Well, most of the time.)

Timpani, please …

Ready?

Y’sure? It’s gonna change your life …

I’m not sure if you really want that …

Are you begging?

… Am I just being cunty now?

Okay, okay, okay.

It’s …

AUSTRIAN CRYSTAL!

Don’t groan and go, ‘Oh, that cheap piece of shit?’ because you’d be wrong. Cheap, yes, but that’s because there’s a fucktonne of it on planet earth. But it’s lovely, commonly found in most department stores, and the most expensive I’ve seen a rare, designer piece is about $120 — and that’s due to the 24-karat gold used. (Talk about shiny.) My own, which has been shocking observers for a good three months now is imported from Spain, the most beautiful piece I’ve personally ever seen, with a centre marquise-cut stone and 5 smaller stones trailing off down the band, decreasing in size, 10 total. It beams and sparkles like a motherfucker, and all I have to do is use some dish detergent, a toothbrush, and canned air to keep it looking unfuckingbelievable. Even diamonds lose their lustre with too much dust, dirt, grime, lotion, and soapy film. Same with crystal, which is technically — you geology buffs got it — quartz crystal. So. If I need a pick-me-up, I polish my ring. ‘Cause, honestly, it’s fun to watch it sparkle like it cost a small fortune. (Or a larger one.)

Now, you don’t get off scott-free, unfortunately. To find a truly beautiful piece that’s design is deceptive, (Europe is good for that, since they prize them more than we do here in the gullible U.S. — so you’re likely to find more styles akin to that in which you’d typically find diamonds and other higher-priced stones) you’re going to have to stumble onto it (like I did) or scope out the nicer department stores. There you can find a surprisingly wide collection of fancy cuts and styles so reminiscent, you’d at first yourself think they must be diamonds. But they aren’t.

I still marvel at the sheen, brilliance, and sheer beauty of mine — and the marquise cut isn’t even the most brilliant. To really knock her panties off, you’ll want to stick to a round-brilliant, or even cushion cut. Again, the truly beautiful ones can be the most difficult find — especially online — but the hunt will pay off. And, again, sometimes you just get lucky. (That’s a round-brilliant that’s also hand-made.) The really good ones tend to be very unique.

Now, the wiser of you are probably wondering why I’ve made it my temporary. Here’s the sad fact, and one reason why diamond is so fucking popular. It is hard as hell, and won’t chip after decades of wear. The most you can really hope to get out of a really nice, good quality Austrian crystal piece that’s seen daily wear is 6 months — tops. While conscientious care will keep it scintillating for its lifetime, the likelihood of it chipping is greatest. My ring’s taken a few good hard knocks out-and-about, and even at home, (thanks to the rambunctiousness of a dear 8-year-old girl) but it could be one more banging that takes it out. Which is why it makes a wonderful regular ring — not a permanent daily one, such as an engagement or wedding band.

If you’re really dedicated, you can find an import like mine, since they tend to be solid sterling silver, or even gold-plated (enough) to withstand a good 6 months’ wear. Rhodium, however, which is what mine is, can either peel, chip, or dull after even a few weeks, unless it’s combined with chrome. That’s surprisingly durable; and depending upon the depth of plating, could last indefinitely. Alas, it’s the crystal that’s more likely to chip — or break — in the long-term. But for the short-run, it’s amazing.

That being said, would I recommend an Austrian crystal engagement ring for the gentleman who wants to be on bended-knee, but has no clue what his hopefully-betrothed would want? Hell, fucking yes! It’s rather pathetic, but a big part of the modern engagement song-and-dance is showing off the ring. As petty, silly, and somewhat embarrassing that is to those members of my sex more like myself — it’s just a fact. We like the sparkly rock that says we’re going aisle-marching with the love of our life — and we love the compliments we get on it, too, from relatives, to-be-relatives, and close friends to complete strangers in the checkout line. (That’s when you know you’ve done well. Especially when it’s a gay man in West Hollywood. There may be no higher compliment, actually. Okay … French Riviera, but that’s about it.)

So, if you’re planning on popping The Question soon, get crackin’! Hit the local mall — especially the little kiosks — and even call up Swarovski and tell them you’re looking for distributors so that you can get your lady love a ring she’ll never forget. (They’ll probably already know it’s a temporary thing, but may remind you they’re not that durable — if they’re not a soulless sales-junkie; in either case, no need to say it’s a temp.) They’ll be tickled regardless that you went crystal in a diamond-saturated world of sheep.

So, have fun, and good luck. Oh, and as for a more permanent solution — you can do what I’m doing and go moissanite. It’s amazing. And if you happen to find it set in tungsten carbide in anything but a clunky, large, rather masculine design — let me know. I’m definitely looking.

Tags: austrian crystal, boycott diamonds, caring for austrian crystal, cheap engagement rings, diamonds suck, engagement rings, moissanite