Sometimes, I seriously wonder about people. What they’re honestly thinking. I mean, I was born in the morning, but it wasn’t this one. Although, I don’t really find this applicable in my everyday existence, what’s kept me from being a card-carrying member of MENSA is the fact that I couldn’t reconcile forking over the dough. In other words, I’m a genius. Changes nothing, and really more a bit of trivia than anything. Still, the length to which people go to try and fool me, or believe that they have, never fails to amaze me.

Case in point: the email I receive. Some of it has a distinct trend; if it’s not from a BMF, or likely to result in a satisfying new professional relationship, I immediately begin to detect the foul stench of bullshit — the worst kind, too; that which has been perfumed and disguised as as to appear like anything but the steaming pile of crap it is.

Most of the time, it’s harmless. Lonely men incapable of drawing the line between reality and fantasy, or all out preferring that it remain blurred at best. No matter how truly fantastic the claims may be. This is why I suspect they’ve come to me already in-role, presenting fantasy as if it were reality. It’s a delicate dance, though. Should they not be nursing some latent psychosis, they always know on some level that I can’t possibly be buying this. You’ve all seen it before, too: 24/7 relationships. Victims of blackmail. His wife, instead of being traumatised by finding her husband with another woman, joining forces with the offending party to punish said philandering husband for the rest of his days, engaging in subbie-hubbie wetdream fantasyland.

Okay, I’m not saying it absolutely cannot happen. Believe me — my own life has gotten downright unbelievably bizarre at times. To the point where, had I not lived it, even I would be thinking myself to be surely full of shit. But good ol’ Occam and his shaving kit and I’ve been buddy-buddy for too long to not run anything and everything through a rather merciless process of reality-testing to determine its validity. That’s just how I roll.

I’m a natural-born actress as well as writer myself. I love to play at something, and pretend otherwise. Not surprising, then, that I’m a big fan of role-playing. I used to joke with my co-writers prior to doing a scene (in the fictional, not BDSM context, though sometimes, such elements were present — those were the best scenes, too!) we’d put our ‘game face’ on. It was just a clearly communicated means of distinguishing between being writers here in reality and what we were about to engage in the realm of story-telling outside of it. In short, it seems to me that a lot of these guys who write me, either for services, or reasons unknown or as-yet determined, have neglected to inform me of when they put their game faces on. That’s where I take issue. My bullshit detector is klaxoning to fuck and back, but no one’s jumping out of the bushes and yelling, ‘psych!’

As can also be expected, I’ve devised a number of theories to explain this emergent phenomenon, as, well, I’m wont to do. I could always take everything at face-value and give them the ultimate benefit of the doubt, assuming them to be one of the very few whose lives really does play out like a Gorean novel or special selections from Penthouse Forum. Again, it can happen. Predicting human behaviour is the most complex business with which the social sciences have to contend. However, sheer volume seems to strengthen my initial position — especially since the number is only growing.

Honesty is such a lonely word. My first theory rather plainly assumes that the level of embarrassment associated with even so much as contacting me is so severe, that he cannot even bring himself to connect it — in his own experience — with himself, or his life. This goes beyond basic paranoia and the need for confidentiality. No one has to be honest over the Internet anyway. We can manifest several entirely separate existences, aliases, and personae without one even drawing near to who we are outside of it. For that reason, discretion and confidentiality is typically already resolved. Anything they say or do now is independent of that; which is why what tends to result continues to slay me: a total stranger presenting his cherished fantasy to me as if it were reality — and standing firmly by its veracity.

My second theory involves other unknown individuals and factors — most commonly, that I have been included in another’s scene. Simply stated, some of these men contact me as the result of domination by other women. Not my pet theory, and far less common if actually occurring. Still, it does make sense in certain cases. I’m being contacted on the instruction of another domme, for whatever purpose she has set forth. I’m unaware of this, and supposed to take the correspondence as legitimate — despite the fact that it wastes my time and is under pretense. (But I’m the least important factor in this incidence, of course.) My third seems most likely — even more so than my first theory: he derives such pleasure and erotic satisfaction from simply making contact outside of himself with a dominant woman that it’s purely masturbatory. He’s in complete control of it. The surest sign of this is when a ‘serious request’ for my services reads like a fantasy, complete with desired instructions, outcomes, and concluding with their reflections: i.e., ‘I want to X, and then she will Y, and Z, and it will make me A and B. It makes me very C.’ Those can be the most infuriating in many ways; my time has been certainly wasted, and I don’t appreciate being brought into someone’s masturbatory fantasies without my consent or payment. That’s just how it is. Those are sneaky, however. You can never tell when it’s really a legitimate correspondence or the beginning of someone’s literary whackathon.

Sure, honesty can be difficult, but it’s not impossible. I’d be much more willing to work with someone’s whose upfront about what’s their reality versus their fantasy. If they’d just introduce themselves, outline their fantasy, and allow us to determine what’s going to be the best course of action after that. But too many men want to dive right in; so much to the point that they build these ridiculous sounding scenarios that, in their right mind, they can’t possibly think anyone is actually believing. It’d just be more satisfying for me if I were able to meet the person and then their fantasies. When they present themselves as one in the same, it’s not only backwards and confuses everything, it’s a disservice to us both.

In a business where the skill is in being able to seamlessly integrate reality with fantasy and vice-versa, you can’t just fuck off the baseline. You need to be anchored in something, or you’re simply drifting out to sea. I wish they’d let me do my job rather than assuming they know what I’m doing. If they’d just let go, they’d be astounded with the level of satisfaction that comes from fantasy fulfillment borne of honesty, truth, and trust.

Of course, at the end of the day, people will do what they want to do. That includes me. I may not be the most popular domme, I may not give you exactly what you came for, and I may call you on your bullshit and make you confront what it is you’re avoiding. I won’t let you get away with harming yourself, or give you validation for hurting others — emotionally, or physically. Being submissive is not a ‘free to cheat on your partner’ card! An open relationship is one thing — infidelity is another. Don’t assume you know everything, and your spouse or partner will automatically going to reject you if you come out of the kink closet to them. You don’t know. Don’t be angry with me for advising you do nothing until you take that step. You’re just being selfish and impatient. Don’t think I won’t tell you that.

You may never thank me; you may never even understand what it is I do. But I’ll keep doing it. I’ll stay honest, ethical, and aware. I’ll keep insisting that my clients do the same. That’s just who I am, and it’s not going to change.

Tags: BDSM, BDSM Counseling, Honesty and Deceit, Male Submissives, Professional Domination, Roleplaying