It’s a lovely afternoon in Southern California, especially Los Angeles at the Hilton just off the international airport. Dommes of all shape and size are sitting down to tea served by devoted submissive men at the 5th annual DomCon LA’s official Mistresses Tea event. Some of us are professional, others are strictly lifestyle. We all have one thing in common, though: navigating the ever-changing climate of the kinky subculture and taking refuge in a sisterhood that continues to grow through such events, bridging the gap of nationality and geography alike. A commonality we don’t share is the constant tightrope walk in which a dominatrix (that is, a pro-domme) has to walk. One such very experienced lifestyler left us all with a nugget of wisdom after witnessing such acrobatics throughout her lifetime in the scene by the simple phrase: ‘I couldn’t do it.’ The struggle to maintain the line between professional and private — social and commercial, client and companionship — was just too difficult. In that regard, she stated quite confidently that lifestylers have it easy. Thinking back on my own years as a lifestyler, (8 years total, as of this year, for the curious) I couldn’t help but agree that she had a point.

It’s not easy.

I also marvel at some days when I wake up and think how the hell I even got here. When I was a little girl, I dreamt of being all kinds of things: Vampire Queenes, powerful sorceresses weaving spells under whom many a hapless prince fell before long, daring super-spies — capable of death-defying feats, but their ultrapowers of seduction being the best weapon in their arsenal; when I got a bit older and decided I still liked the foreign (or domestic) intelligence agent / investigator route, I figured I could satisfy the other cravings by simply taking the stage and being an actress. I subsequently spent several years there in theatre, but really longed to run the show myself: writing, directing, producing, and performing — the whole nine yards. That became a goal I’ve yet to solidly keep on the back-burner. No matter how I try, it’s always coming back to the forefront — as deep passions tend to do. So, how does a retail wench, office coordinator, administrative assistant, service industry professional — none of which ever really utilise her education in Psychology — and especially not Forensic Psychology — end up a dominatrix? Well, not that dramatically, to be honest. Combine a down economy with a move to a bustling new city full of an entirely different demographic, add more than a sprinkle of distaste for being anyone’s employee, a dash of the thrill of self-employment, heat on high with a strong business model — and away you go! Viola! Dominatrix a la mode. (Though, if you really want to hear something funny, ask me or headslave about ‘dildo stew.’)

Which brings us to … headslave.

Really, I think because I’m so new to this in a professional sense, (but not the scene in general) I unintentionally give people the wrong idea at times, not quite yet sure where the boundaries are and what’s status quo. I thought, honestly, that when a domina explained that she has a ‘personal slave’ it’s enough to get those who would otherwise be seeking a personal relationship with her to understand she’s just not available; or not doing that. Either way. Ohhh, little did I know. Namely, because the social dynamics of the BDSM community tend to crisscross and overlap with many other relational dynamics and sexual orientation; to wit, the bisexual, polyamourous and other-such groups — for which I have affinity, simply because I know individuals from all walks of life, and am friends with just about anyone. (Well, maybe not mass-murdering fuckheads. I tend to take issue with them. Luckily, I’ve not met any yet. If and when I do — well, that’s a bridge we’ll cross when we get there, I suppose.)

So, all that being said — who am I? What am I about? Well, you can find me places that contain that information, actually — CollarMe, FetLife, even KinkySpace — but for ease of convenience, I’ll put it here, too. Just in case people haven’t seen my profiles there, or read my biographical page here. Ready? Here we go …

I’m straight, monogamous, and very happy that way.

Now, I’m not saying that I don’t have an affection for my friends, or enjoy the warmth that can come from such friendships; but they remain friendships for me. I don’t play outside of my primary relationship. I’ve never really found a need, or even a curious nagging, to do so. I receive offers by the dozens from submissive men all over the place who wish to be my ‘personal, live-in slave’, or do my housework, or have a personal relationship with me. I’m just not interested. I don’t need a personal slave; I have an incredible — and I do mean incredible — boyfriend who plays so many roles, that anything else is just superfluous. I’m one of those very lucky few dommes whose boyfriend is also their submissive, best friend, and even business partner. Seriously. Oh, and he doesn’t shy from his half of the housework, either. In fact, he doesn’t pay much attention to who’s done what, when, or why. He just helps out where it’s needed. And then some. Like a now good friend of mine since DomCon LA has said of him, he’s quite impressive. Not only quite the model of what I think a submissive man should be, (likewise of Sea, the aforementioned friend from DomCon) but a strong man in his own right not seeking to be saved, and, through some work we’ve done together in our relationship, understanding that it isn’t healthy to try and save, either. (An affliction we’ve both admittedly suffered at certain points in our lives, but are ‘recovering’ from.) Which is likely why I’m a big fan of helping my clients to help themselves. It’s the whole teach-a-man-to-fish thing. In the end, they’re less likely to starve. Plus, that feeling of having some control over your own destiny is deeply comforting to me.

So, now you know. Don’t want, nor need, any slaves. Want to keep the other submissive men in my life as clients, and, in very, very rare circumstances — as friends. How rare, you ask? If you’re a client, or were a client, or we met in such a capacity, it’s unlikely I’m going to be able to re-categorise you into a non-professional context for quite sometime, since I keep my social / personal and professional spheres separate.

Now, the meat of what this post is REALLY about …

Strap-on play.

Say, what? That’s right. The real impetus for my even writing this post was the continuous stream of requests I get for strap-on play. First of all, there are two reasons I don’t do it — that’s right: I do not do it. And here they are, easily broken down, once again:

1. It’s illegal to do so professionally in the state of California.

Yep. Believe it or not, those ‘pro-dommes’ who offer strap-on play in California? … Not pro-dommes. If … you catch my drift … (I’m sure you do.) And, hey — if that’s your thing, then you go at your own risk, pal. (Because it most certainly is a risk.) I can’t speak to other states, at this point. I’ve just not researched it. But I do know the laws of the state in which I’m operating. While that’s not my only reason for saying ‘no’ to professional employment of the dildo, it is a pretty good one, despite personal preference. Which is what’s coming next …

2. It’s an intensely personal thing for me, and not something I desire to share with anyone but my boyfriend. Period.

People have cited this particular post as being a ‘testimonial’ of my professional services as a dominatrix, and subsequently, something they can treat like an item off of a menu. And it makes me sick. Physically, and emotionally ill. I won’t dare name names — and I know that some of them were not at all intentional, but the effects are the same. I’m left going: what the fuck? How could someone take what is a powerfully intimate experience from my life and treat it as if it’s something I’d ever imagine doing with them? How? It’s absolutely fucking baffling to me. Absolutely.

So. While I appreciated more than words that headslave, AKA my boyfriend, (as you now know, and won’t forget — right?) wrote that beautiful vignette about how he felt about our experience — our little shared moment in time — I had no idea it would be so misconstrued by the world-at-large. But, such is life. I’d never remove it from my site, because it’s in my journal. Not on my Services page. What I offer as services is on my Services page. What I talk about from my life, or theories I have, or anything having to do with me — that isn’t indicated to be the professional me — is in my journal. So, now that you know, please-please-please — stop asking. In fact, let’s just pretend you never did and call it a day. Okay? I’m willing to do that. Be glad that I am. Because you’ve otherwise no idea the level of fury and sadness that such (likely harmless, but nonetheless nonchalant) requests bring out in me. It’s a great way to instantly get off on the wrong foot.

Now. As for what I do enjoy? What I do offer — outside of what’s written of in my Services? Well, that’s to be explored another day. I plan to write a post for each of my personae and what I enjoy to do in those roles — yes, professionally, as well. So, stay tuned for that. In the meanwhile … you know what I’m about. And I feel better now that you do.

Hope you’re not too disappointed. I’m not. Live authentically, or not at all. That’s my new motto. I’m finding that it’s a pretty good one.

Tags: Anal Sex, BDSM Counseling, Being A Dominatrix, California Dominatrix, Counselor-Client Relationships, DomCon LA, Female Domination Dynamics, Femdom Counseling, Living Authentically, Male Submission, Monogamy, Personal Slaves, Professional Boundaries, Professional Domination, Strap-on Play, Strap-On Sex